There-swimming

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Two and a half years ago I signed up for swimming lessons.  The goal was to be able to successfully swim as a cardio workout.
Last week, for the first time since my final swim class back in 2009, I decided to finally try out this lap pool thing ...sans instructor.
6:24 a.m.:  Alarm goes off.
Ugh, maybe I’ll just go for a run…I don’t want to go. Don’t make me go.
That annoying voice in my head got sassy: “You said you were going to go, don’t be a lil p-word”
 6:29 a.m.:  Slip on one piece swimsuit.
Lie. By "slip", I mean squeeze. Let me tell you, those speedo branded suits don't do much for the curves.  Zero structure with a panty-hose thin shelf bra... I was looking nothing like Pamela. 
6:39 a.m.:I take a bite of peanut butter, surely that's not enough to unsettle my stomach in the water...and pee one more time...full bladder in a warm pool while floundering in water=un.comfortable ..and I'm out the door.
6:45 a.m.:I make it to the gym, enter women's locker room and wonder around until I find the door to the pool area. 
Slowly, I peak in...
F.
Greatest fear.  All 3 lanes are in in use.  
I close the door quickly and stand behind it.  Panic.Well what am I suppose to do now? I am wearing flipflops. I can't workout. I wonder if I can ride the bike in flip flops. That's just silly. Plus, this onesy will ride up in places I don't want it to...  Hmm...
I stand longer, right outside the frosted pool door. 
I guess I could go inside and sit.  Or stand here a while longer...CRAP I THINK SOMEONE IS COMING!...
I rush to gather things and pretend I'm in the process of going in one direction or the other so I don't look a lingering weirdo.
Sigh. False alarm.  Alright, I'm going in. Do I bring my bag? I'm bringing my bag.
I walk in the pool room and sit quietly in my swimsuit on the metal bench. Thighs flattened.
Ew, get me in the pool and out of visibility.
At this point I just sit. I have no idea what to do... or where to look... or how long to anticipate sitting...
I proceeded to look in my bag. What was in my bag? A towel. That was it. I just kept fidgeting around in there to give me something to do. This. Is. Awkward. Do I ask how much longer? I hate to pressure the swimmers to finish up.  How do I time my question when their heads are in the water? I could stare until they make eye contact and ask it really quickly.  Then I'm going to sound rushed and inconsiderate...
Hmm..whats in my bag?!
I continue fake digging.
6:53 a.m. A guy in the far lane says I can share his lane. I feel startled and nervous..."Are you sure, I'm pretty bad".  He says it is fine.  I slowly walk to the lane and hop in, wondering how lane sharing works.  What if I bump him? Do I say I'm sorry? What if we both take a break at the same time? Do I need to say something to him? I wonder if he'll try to correct my flailing swim strokes? I hope I can swim in a straight line. I will hug the rope if I have to.
6:55 a.m.I swim. I swim not a lap but a straight path.  Not a "there and back" kind of thing. I just went there. And when I got to the end. I was panting.   Holy. Hell.
My lane partner glides past me, back and forth...my heart is beating like I just sprinted a mile.
I continue swimming there, trying to find the peace in being under water.
You know what would make this peaceful? Air. Yup, a sufficient amount of oxygen would make this whole process much more tolerable.
For the next 30 minutes I swim to one end and wait to catch my breath every. single. time.
I used the kick board a little. I wished I had one of those nose clips. Do they make those for adult-size noses?
I was embarrassed.

7:27 a.m.I feel satisfied with being in the water for 30 min. I feel unsatisfied with my ability, but whatever. 

I remove goggles.
7:33 a.m.I change out of swimsuit, throw on sweats, and glance in mirror as I leave.
YIKES! 
Goggle lines surround my eyes, forming bags so heavy I don't know how my face was holding them.
I glance at my slicked-down matted ponytail and shiver.
Oh. My. I look a level of ugly that I haven't seen since my first day of college hangover. 
I walk out of the gym rubbing my eyes the whole time...covering my face so I don't blind anyone.
Later that day p.m.:I make the mistake of telling my boyfriend I plan to try swimming one day a week.
I like to stick to commitments, soooo today was week 2.

And I am very proud to say...made it both there...there and back!